"Don't confuse me with the nice guy." (The Contract)

Communication 101: Sort a hierarchy-based interactive tool in accordance to urgency, then by most requested.

Example: The second option in the second menu should not be "If you are calling for emergency roadside assistance, press 2".

Keywords: emergency and assistance.

I could see this spiraling out of control. "Thank you for calling 9-1-1. If this is not an emergency, please hang up and call your local police and/or hospital for assistance.
If you are calling on behalf of another person, please press 1.
If you are in need of protection or are reporting a crime, please press 2.
If you are reporting a noise nuisance, press 3.
If you are reporting a missing or trapped animal, press 4.
If you are reporting a missing child press 5.
If you are a lost child, hang up and yell "mom".
If you are having chest pains or difficulty breathing, press 6.
If you are missing extremities like hands, feet, or ears, press 7. By the way, if you are missing a hand, great job on calling 9-1-1!
If you are bleeding profusely from an artery or are missing a limb, and you are still conscious, press 8.
If you wish to speak to a live operator, press 9.
To hear these options again, press 0."